>>  March 10 / Klaatu

Big fucking essay about book / band no one gives a damn about

     The best book I've read in a long time is Banvard's Folly: Thirteen Tales of People Who Didn't Change the World by Paul Collins. Sure, two of the 13 chapters have previously been published in McSweeney's (one each in issues three and four), but all thirteen chapters are engrossing historical non-fiction. The whole thing is meticulously researched and filled with bizarre true stories of scientists, tinkerers, and authors; and Collins spends the extra time to contextualize everything with concurrent issues of the day. I can't recommend this book enough -- You can get remaindered copies of the (out of print) hardcover here (~ $4 - $6), or the newer paperback edition here (New, $11.20) or here (Used, ~ $3 - $18[?]). And no, I'm not getting any kind of kickback from Amazon on any of this -- primarily because I'm too lazy to set that up right now -- I just think it's a great book.

     One of the chapters focuses on the accomplishments of Alfred Beach - the editor of Scientific American magazine. Beach's (forgotten) claim to fame is that he built a pneumatic subway that ran under city hall in Manhattan, long before work on the subway system as it now exists was begun. The most interesting part of this story -- to me at least -- is that he SECRETLY accomplished all this work (he knew the rail companies would want to stop him from pioneering pneumatic travel and beating them to NYC mass transit contracts) - so he bought a storefront nearby, swore his crew to secrecy, and began digging from the basement, removing the dirt under cover of night. The existence of Beach's tunnel was only made known to the public once it was completed and operational. Despite a gala opening and rave reviews in the press it was eventually sealed off and forgotten (Due in large part to the financial concerns of a crooked mayor and a subsequent market crash). It had remained sealed for half a century when workers digging the tunnels for the beginnings of the current subway system re-discovered it. Looking for pictures of Beach's lost tunnel?

     "Finally, there is one very simple way to see what Beach's railway looked like, and blown up far larger than any plate in this book could manage. Go to a Subway shop-- the fast food chain, you know, where you can buy a six-inch Cold Cut Trio?--and lo! Pasted upon the walls are pictures of Beach's invention. Whoever was designing the chain wide decor for Subway simply clipped out a bunch of old public-domain illustrations of subways, including three that originally ran in Scientific American in the 1870's. Look for pictures that depict an almost perfectly round (Save for a slight groove in the bottom) brick-lined subway tunnel, and a rounded subway car interior. These are Beach's own handpicked illustrations for what was to be an ultra-million-dollar venture.
     Graze pensively on your Baked Lay's Sour Cream and Onion chips. Ponder the vagaries of ambition."

     I'm really not doing the story much justice by summarizing here, so do yourself a favor and buy the book.

     I first heard of this whole ordeal in a song by a Canadian band called Klaatu -- whom I am absolutely obsessed with (The casual reader beware - this book recommendation was merely an excuse to segue into an entirely ridiculous discussion of Klaatu). The song -- 'Sub Rosa Subway' from their debut album (Titled "3:47 EST," though this title appears nowhere on the sleeve) discusses the situation in detail, and apparently even alludes to it in Morse code. You can download an MP3 of 'Sub Rosa Subway' here. The Lyrics to Sub-Rosa Subway:

"Back in 1870 just beneath the Great White Way / Alfred Beach worked secretly / Risking all to ride a dream / His wind-machine

New York City and the morning sun / Were awoken by the strangest sound / Reportedly as far as Washington / The tremors shook the earth as Alfie / Blew underground

All aboard sub-rosa subway / Had you wondered who's been digging under Broadway? / It's Alfred / It's Alfred / It's Alfred / Poor Al, woh no Al

As for America's first subway / The public scoffed, "It's far too rude" / One station filled with Victoria's age / From frescoed walls and goldfish fountains.... / To Brahmsian tunes

     The goldfish fountains and Brahmsian tunes referenced in the final chorus actually existed - Beach had lavishly furnished the terminal of his subway, even including a player piano. The song also includes a ridiculously intricate message in Morse code over the last chorus, as described in this quotation from Klaatu.org:

     "At this point there is some Morse Code in the recording which several interviews over the years have not been able to uncover the meaning of. I have also heard of people who have tried to decipher it themselves without any luck.

     Well, you are in luck! Steve Radley has pointed out that one of the editions of their fan club newsletter, The Morning Sun, gave the answer to this great question! Here's what it says the Morse Code translates into:

'From Alfred, heed thy sharpened ear, A message we do bring, Starship appears upon our sphere, Through London's sky come spring.'

The mystery is solved..... or is it?"

     This Morse Code message seems to be a reference to both beach and 'Calling Occupants' - a sprawling call to the 'Occupants of interplanetary craft,' assuring them of our friendliness - from the same album. 'Calling Occupants mentions 'World Contact Day,' which occurred on March 15th, 1953 - perhaps the 'Early spring' of the morse code message.

     Are there any other obscure and slightly interesting facts about this Klaatu band? Glad you asked!

• People were once convinced that they were the Beatles reformed. The most complete source for all the particulars and the "proof" that was cited can be found here. A more concise newsgroup post on the matter is reproduced here.
• The Carpenters had a Billboard hit with the Klaatu-penned "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft." The Langley schools project LP's that everyone was shitting theselves over last year also feature a cover of the same song. Chalk it up to Canadian loyalty.
• Any band worth their salt should have a webpage wholly devoted to interpreting their lyrics as played backwards on a turntable. Klaatu's are here and here.
• 3:47 EST is the time that the character 'Klaatu' arrives on Earth in "The Day the Earth Stood Still."
• At one time an animation company was busily working on a half-hour long animated Klaatu special, entitled "Happy New Year Planet Earth." This project was apparently never completed, though an extremely grainy excerpt of the roughs for the song 'Routine Day' from their third album, "Sir Army Suit," is available for download here.
• The song "Calling Occupants" references a 'World Contact Day,' which did in fact exist. It occurred on March 15, 1953 and you can find a history here. Pretty insane in that "Men in Black before Will Smith Hi-jacked the term" sort of way. The gist of it was that everyone should attempt to telepathically contact 'Saucermen' with a pre-memorized message on March 15th. The first line of the message? "Calling occupants of interplanetary craft!"
• From their FAQ: The overall style of Klaatu's 4th album, "Endangered Species" is decidedly different from the others. Why is that? Klaatu had virtually no artistic control over this album. It was more a project of Capitol Records. An outside producer was brought in, most of the instruments were played by Los Angeles based session musicians, and the band members were asked to add their voices and (usually) one lead instrument per song. The band was sent home before the album was even mixed.
• The only Klaatu Album I have been unable to locate an original vinyl copy of is "Magentalane." If you can help me out with that, I'd owe ya.

     If all the preceeding ridiculousness hasn't weirded you out yet, here are my 'Essential Klaatu' recommendations:

3:47 EST

     This is the album to get - not only because it was the cause of the Beatles rumors - but also because it's probably their 'best (completely subjective)' work. I'll do a little description of all the songs so you can get an idea of just how ridiculous and schizophrenic this album was (Be warned that it's well-produced 'California-sounding' 70's rock. Just so you know).

Calling Ocupants Of Interplanetary Craft

     The big single - a slow orchestral pop song alternating between the perspective of a wise human alerting the listener of their telepathic abilities, and encouraging them to use these abilities to contact extraterrestrials and establish peaceful relations; and the (collective?) perspective of the Occupants of Interplanetary Craft. How could it NOT be a hit?

California Jam

     Pretty mindless pop song about surf, sun, sand, etc. with a female vocal on the bridge. Accessibility of the song as a whole and Cringe-worthiness of the lyrics on par with each other. The McCartney vocal comparisons are most audible to me on this song.

Anus Of Uranus

     Bizarre song about being abducted by the Anus of Uranus. No, I'm not kidding. This whole song has a pretty 'gated' sound and employs the timeless "Sound and vocal effects echo the descriptive lyrics" technique. The REALLY interesting aspect of this song is that they flipped the verse around backwards and used the unchanged result as the CHORUS of a song roughly four years later (Silly Boys).

Sub Rosa Speedway

     Already discussed above. Most tasteful use of handclaps in a drumroll ever.

True Life Hero

     Just pretend this song isn't on the album... Just bad in every sense.

Doctor Marvello

     Weird pop song with a first half that sort of predicts the reverb and phrasing that Death Cab for Cutie was going for in a weird sort of way (Maybe it's just me?). They pull the "Voice of a new character" trick again about half-way through, this time it's a wavery, off-putting whine.

Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

     Almost showtune-ish dirge about the title character - the only man to go to Hell and come back alive. I suspect some sort of vocal pitch shifting to achive the voice of Rugglesby.

Little Neutrino

     Bizzarely prog-rockian song, heavy on the instrumental interludes, xylophone and talkbox effects. Really 'big' sounding chorus, and EXTREMELY protracted endtro, including several "Explosions." Lasts 8.5 minutes and fills up the end of the record. Of all the songs and sounds and weirdness on this particular album, THIS is the song that is most predictive of their next album:

Hope

A quotation from Yesterdayland:

     "In the middle of this [Beatles] brouhaha, Klaatu released a new album, Hope. Although it contained catchy, concise pop songs like "We’re Off You Know," it also contained complex, orchestrated songs like "Long Live Politzania" and "The Loneliest Of Creatures." Hope also took their already-ambitious sound to a new level by linking the songs on the second side into one symphonic suite and using the London Symphony Orchestra to flesh out the sound.

     Yeah: The second side. INSANE. The whole Beatles rumor thing hit while they were in the middle of recording "Hope." Their increased profile (and sales) enabled them to talk the label into extending their studio time and getting the London Symphony Orchestra involved.

     Anyway, the second side is comprised of four songs. It begins with "The Loneliest of Creatures." One voice reflects on loneliness. This voice is soon interrupted by a Bohemian Rhapsod-ian chorus of "OH NO! You're not the loneliest of all creatures in the YOUUUUU-niverse!" Great harmonies etc. Ends in a round, which segues into "Prelude" which is an instrumental consisting of some ridiculously complicated orchestration.

      This segues into "So Said the Lighthouse Keeper," a song explaining that the ACTUAL lonliest creature in the universe is a GALACTIC lighthouse keeper, who keeps a silent vigil over his home planet, whose race consumed themselves. This lighthouse keeper resolves to compose a prayer for the entire universe. Again - I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP. You can actually buy 3:47 EST and Hope on one CD, here. Moving on, in the lyric sheet to this song, a narrator explains the fate of the lighthousekeeper:

"When to his end the old man came / Death told him "You'll not die in vain" / And on his lips the fatal kiss was placed / But from within his falling chest / The old man utterred one last breath / And had we heard his parting word / We'd know that he'd said...."

     At first I thought this was a LYRICAL CLIFFHANGER, which would have been very, very great. Unfortunately those words are not sung on the actual album. The second side concludes with the title track - A decidedly less orchestrated and more straight ahead pop song (Watch for the reverby overdubbed 2nd drum kit in the chorus). This of course is to be assumed by the listener to be the result of the lighthouse keeper's thinking and writing.

     Summarrizing: Yes, this is insane. The music is actually very well done and the scope is obviously fairly ambitious. As my enthusiasm for things is often directly related to their ambitiousness, you should see why I felt it necessary to write WAY too much about Klaatu. A few other Klaatu songs worth tracking down, for a variety of reasons:

Blue smoke

     A bizarre environmentalist-propaganda song that shifts style and instrumentation pretty frequently. You can skip the intro verse, just skip to about 47 seconds in. Like a green-party science lesson delivered by smug studio musicians. Contains the immortal line: "Weeping like an alligator, and leaping like a hot potater."

December dream

     Written about the death of John Lennon, to whom they obviously owe quite a bit. A pretty nice piano-driven 70's ballad, similar in sentiment to The Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?."

I Don't Wanna Go Home

     Pretty catchy (and sappy), distinctly 70's pop song. All of these 'Worth tracking down' songs are from Magentalane - Which is a pretty good recovery from the disaster that was "Endangered Species."

     Update: I added a not very high quality MP3 of Klaatu's 'Sub Rosa Subway' here. Good times.